Do you believe in God?

So my topic is more out of curiosity but also about myself and my self sabotaging when it comes to God. Is there anyone else who believes in God and finds themselves self sabotaging when it comes to God like doing something bad or falling away from God bc u don’t feel like u deserve ur spot in heaven? Or like when things get tough the first thing you do is sabotage yourself by questioning ur belief in God. I try to be a good person no matter what and just try to show everyone the love and attention that I’ve always wished I had and sometimes it’s like I want to hurt God by falling away or hurting myself or hurting someone else bc I feel like I care about him more than he cares about me but then there’s other times when God shows me how much he truly loves and cares and it’s like the best feeling ever. Am I just doing all black and white thinking with God/splitting on God? Lmfao ik it’s hilarious and it makes no fuckin sense but im just curious

Edit:: THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED!!! Honestly the replies you guess gave was exactly what I was looking for and definitely makes me feel better. Especially being able to hear the beliefs of others and how even though we have different beliefs we still understand each other and feel the same. So thank you and I appreciate everyone who came on here being RESPECTFUL towards others even those without the same belief as you, it truly feels nice knowing there’s a way we can be open with each other and talk and not be rude or judgmental based off each others beliefs (that’s a lot of what I get in person when I bring up these topics/feelings).