How to overcome the “guilt” of using kratom…

Hello everyone. Sorry this is going to be long…please be kind…

I have been taking kratom for about 2 months now. I do use it daily, 4g 2-3 times a day (I do use a scale to weight it.) I have suffered from chronic pain for 3 years, and have had 5 surgeries to “correct” the issue, but I’m still in pain every day. I started taking kratom when my pharmacy was out of hydrocodone and I could not get in touch with my doctor to send the prescription to a different pharmacy.

Previously, I spent about 6 months barely leaving my recliner or bed (I had two surgeries in this time period.) I was a wreck. I was depressed and isolating myself from everyone. I did not see any hope for the future.

Since starting kratom, I feel like a new person. My pain is mostly manageable, I have energy, and I feel up for doing things. I started PT (which I was too scared to do because of the pain), went into the office a few times to work (this still causes excruciating pain but I’m happy that I tried!) and even went to a baseball game the other night. I wouldn’t have dared do that before, considering how much pain the stadium seats would cause me.

I have also been (slowly) weaning off of my anti-depressant and anxiety meds. I have cut back significantly on drinking (was drinking 2-3 beers a night as I thought it was helping my pain, but it was just helping me to care less about the pain.)

I have experienced so many positives from kratom, but I still can’t get over the “guilt” of using it. I understand that I am dependent on it. I know that it doesn’t make sense because previously I was dependent on the opioids for pain relief, and am still dependent on the anti-depressants and anxiety meds.

I understand that I need to stop using it every day, as this would help me not to be as dependent on it. It just really sucks being in pain. I never increase my dose beyond 4g 2-3x a day (although sometimes if the pain is excruciating, I will take it 4 times a day.) I have taken lower doses but most strains I don’t experience pain relief unless I take at least 4g (I am going to continue to experiment with this as I know that some strains are more potent.)

I hope to not have to take kratom for the rest of my life, but I don’t know if I will ever be out of pain. I wake up with anxiety knowing that I am an addict. But the alternative is being in pain and spending all of my time in bed or the recliner again…